Help for the Strong-Willed and Explosive Children/Adolescents

We seem to be up and running and working out most of the bugs and problems with the website and our newsletter. Again, I want to thank everyone for their patience and support. For comments about this newsletter or future ones, please email me at: Ray@DrRayLevy.com. I appreciate all of your comments so far. Please remember, I cannot do therapy or answer questions about a specific child or adolescent over the web.

TO EXPLAIN OR NOT TO EXPLAIN: When Reasoning with Your Child Doesn't Work

When it comes to dealing with our children, we want things to make sense to them. We want them to understand the "why's" of our behavior as much as we want to understand the "why's" of theirs. Giving explanations, and asking questions are some of the ways we build relationships and ensure connectedness with our children. With some children, all we have to do is to explain why their behavior was inappropriate and how it must change and voila',... it works like a charm! However, with other children we feel like we are talking to a brick wall. In response, instead of taking a different tact, most of us do more of the same; that is, we talk more, louder and longer. We think to ourselves, "Sooner or later I've GOT to get through to her! Maybe this time will be the one!" Unfortunately, the outcome is continued misbehavior from our child and we are puzzled on why he/she "doesn't get it."

"So why doesn't he learn? My other kids understand when I'm upset with them." I often hear parents asking these questions. First, language is processed differently with different children (to be dealt with in another newsletter). Also, some children, while they understand language perfectly well, learn better experientially. So what do I mean by experientially? Take riding a bike for example. Everyone reading this newsletter probably knows how to ride a bike, but how did we learn it? Did someone explain it to us (language) or show us by modeling? More likely, we learned experientially, by the experience of getting on, falling down, getting on again, and finally, pedaling forward. There are some kids who are great verbal learners. You can tell them not to go near the stove because it is hot, and they won't. And then there are some kids who have to burn themselves on the stove no matter how many times you tell them. Strong-willed, ADHD, explosive and inflexible children tend to fall into the second category, and many are exclusively experiential learners.

So what does this mean for you as a parent or teacher? That most of their learning must be experiential, and explaining or reasoning will probably do little else except to frustrate you by its striking lack of results. This is one of the values of the Practice Academies, where children/adolescents must experience and practice good behaviors, instead of being explained, reasoned, or argued about.

Example: brushing teeth. I have heard of numerous arguments and discussions in my office between parent and child on the virtues of brushing teeth, yet, rarely does a strong-willed child brush them without being reminded, cajoled, threatened, etc. More discussion of this subject rarely brings better behavior from the child. However, when parents do 'teeth brushing' Practice Academies with them, the behavior improves remarkably.

How to do a 'teeth brushing' Practice Academy:

1. During an inconvenient time for your child, tell them that since there was a problem earlier with getting them to brush their teeth, that what they are telling you is that they need a 'teeth brushing' practice academy.
2. Have them complete the sequence of events to help them associate when and how to brush their teeth. For instance, have them pretend to eat a few bites of breakfast, put their dishes in the sink and then go brush their teeth.
3. Monitor their actions to make sure they are doing a good job brushing.
4. Have them repeat this sequence many times perfectly, with a good attitude. Remember, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect.
5. Once they have completed this practice academy, tell them that they did a good job and if they have problems brushing their teeth in the future then they are telling you that they need more practice.

This consequence is much more effective than yelling, arguing, explaining or reasoning with your youngster. Of course, it is hard for us as adults to break our habits too, so be patient with yourself and realize that it will take time for you to stop talking so much and start teaching your child experientially

More information about Practice Academies can be obtained from my book, Try and Make Me! or the CD, I've had it with you! You can obtain both by calling 972-407-1191.

Other sites and links: www.bullies2buddies.com is an excellent website with a easy to listen to audio CD on how to effectively handle bullying and teasing. I highly recommend this CD for anyone who has a child who is teased or any school counselor.