Parenting the Strong-Willed and Explosive Child/Adolescent

Welcome to another edition of Dr. Ray Levy's newsletter. As we grow, we are fixing more of the problems and bumps from our first several attempts. Hopefully, with each newsletter, we will get better and better.

First, if you received this e-mail newsletter in error, and don't want to receive further ones, please click on the link at the bottom of the page. On the other hand, if you know someone who can benefit from this, please forward it to him or her and encourage them to sign up.

Also, we have received emails from our last newsletter about what you would like to see us write about. Keep them coming. The more feedback we get, the better able we are to meet your needs. Feel free to write me at Ray@DrRayLevy.com

HE DOESN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS

This is a complaint that I hear often from parents of strong-willed and defiant children. There are a lot of reasons why kids don't take responsibility for their actions. Let's face it, there are many reasons why we as adults don't take responsibility for our actions. But let's stay focused on kids for a minute here. Since this newsletter and website is dedicated to those strong-willed, explosive, and rigid kids/adolescents I'm going to be talking about common misperceptions that we, as adults, have of these kids. While there are many reasons kids don't or won't take responsibility for their actions, I'm going to address one at a time. Future newsletters will address the other reasons.

External Locus of Control

Locus of control is where we perceive the control over our lives is coming from; for instance, someone with an internal locus of control believes that they (for the most part) are in control of their environment and the circumstances that occur around them. People with and internal locus of control believe that their successes and failures in life are due to their efforts and/or that their thoughts and behaviors dictate the outcome of situations in their lives. These kids might believe something like: "If I study hard and well, I'll get a good grade on the History test." Or, "All the practicing I did really paid off at my piano recital!"

Ryan, age 9, is a good example of a kid with an external locus of control. People with an external locus of control believe that other people, luck, or factors outside themselves, determine the situations and consequences in their lives. Ryan was having problems getting along with the other children at school. It was clear to his parents, teacher, and myself, that Ryan's problems were brought on by himself. He was mean to others, wouldn't share, laughed at others if they offered a wrong answer in class, and teased and picked on several of his classmates. It was obvious (to everyone but Ryan) that the reasons he was having problems relating to his classmates came from his actions. However, Ryan didn't believe that he was the source of control over the things that were happening to him. Trying to elicit some insight from Ryan my initial conversation with him went something like this:

Levy: Ryan, so others are being mean to you.
Ryan: Yeah, they are being jerks.
Levy: Why do you think they would be jerks?
Ryan: I don't know, they just are.

According to Ryan, the kids in his class had just decided to be mean to him, as if there was a conspiracy against him. Ryan felt he was merely responding to their unprovoked, undeserved and malicious attacks and had no awareness of how his behavior affected others. This is a pure example of external locus of control. Ryan believed others woke up with the idea of being mean to him, and he didn't see how he had any control over the situation.

Five months later, after some intense behavior therapy and a trial of stimulant medication, Ryan's behavior in school was much improved. He was getting along with his teacher and not antagonizing his classmates. In fact, the one boy with whom he was having the most difficult time - Joseph - was now his friend. Again, I assessed Ryan for any insight into his own behavior.

Levy: So Ryan, at the beginning of the school year you were having trouble getting along with your classmates and especially Joseph. What changed?
Ryan: (pensive for a moment and then responds): They just decided to be nice to me.

It was apparent to me that even though Ryan's behavior has changed significantly, he still did not see himself as having any control or impact on his environment. Even with all of the more positive relationships he was enjoying, Ryan saw the center of control being outside of him, due to other's decisions to be nice to him, or luck. So, while he does not take responsibility for his misbehaviors and poor judgment, neither does he take credit for his positive behaviors and good judgment. It is this placement of control outside of himself that disabled him from 'taking responsibility for his actions.'

Many children and certainly some of those diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, learning disabilities and other disorders have this same external locus of control. Kids who have the view that others, or the environment, are in control of what happens to them, don't see themselves as being an agent of change over events in their lives, but rather, as being pawns of Nature and Fate. It is only through continued corrected experiences that this faulty belief system changes.

More information:

More information about strong-willed children/adolescents can be obtained from my book, Try and Make Me! You can obtain the book from my website: www.effectivebehaviorsolutions.com or www.DrRayLevy.com. The CD will be available from the website in a few weeks, until then call our office at (972) 407-1191 to order.

To subscribe to this list, please send an e-mail message to:
DrLevysNewsletter-On@zines.webvalence.com

To unsubscribe, send an e-mail to:
DrLevysNewsletter-Off@zines.webvalence.com