Harnessing the Strong-willed and explosive child/adolescent

Welcome to another edition of Dr. Levy’s newsletter. With each month we are improving the website (finally can buy CD’s from it now) and the newsletter. Your responses and emails have been extremely helpful. Keep them coming.

We need readers and subscribers. If you know someone who would like to receive it, then forward this newsletter to them or direct them to the website to sign up for it. Of course, if you do not wish to receive this newsletter or received it in error, please proceed to the bottom of the page where you can unsubscribe.

The following is an excerpt out of my new book, which I’m currently working on.

True Power

As a child, I had an aunt who I used to love to visit. She was old and like most old people, she was wrinkly, which as a child would bother me. But for some reason, I didn’t mind this aunt’s wrinkles. Moreover, I enjoyed seeing her and going to her apartment, even though it was all musty smelling. Why? Because this aunt was special to me. Every time I saw her she was not complaining like the other geriatrics I knew, instead she was always happy and always loved hearing what I was doing. She showed so much interest and enthusiasm in whatever I was into at the time. I felt, truly and deeply in my heart, that she believed in me. That this aunt would always see the goodness in me and know me for whom I thought I really was. She was never critical, always accepting, and to no surprise, I always behaved better around her. I never wanted her to see me have a tantrum or act like a spoiled brat and I behaved myself, not for fear of reprisals, but for the desire to continue this magical relationship that I had with her.

So why is a relationship so important, and why can’t you just use punishment or consequences to shape their behavior? Good question. A basic need for all humans is to have some connection or intimacy with others in this world. We are, after all, a social and gregarious species and our general health (physical and emotional) depends on our ability to form and maintain relationships with others. In fact, these relationships are by far, the most powerful motivators that any of us can experience, and therefore, true power.

Consider the impact that your parents had on you. Did you have a teacher or a coach who significantly influenced you and helped you become the person you are today? Often that teacher or coach didn’t use punishment, but their relationship to push you to do your best. You may have avoided trouble because you didn’t want to disappoint them, not because you were afraid of the consequence. The relationship is the most powerful motivator that we have. That is why we say:

Rules without Relationship = Rebellion

So it is that special relationship that has the most power with another person. It is finding something to love and being able to communicate that clearly which will mesmerize your youngster and make him putty in your hands. It works for all of us.

But these children that this book is written about are often difficult to love or form a relationship with. In fact, I’ve had parents swear that their children wake up with the sole purpose of being the bane of their existence. I can make an ironclad guarantee that that is almost never the case. However, if a child feels that he will never make the mark and never rank in a parent or teacher’s eye then demoralization is inevitable and then he/she may purposely misbehave, because that is something that they feel that they can do, and have control of. So it is not that children don’t misbehave, it is just that when kids feel that no matter what they do, it is not good enough in the adult’s eye, then they will turn to misbehavior as a way to establish their identity and retain some dignity.
Still, it remains our job to bond and form a good relationship with these children. What follows are a few specific steps that you can take to accomplish that goal. Books have been written solely on relationship building and I will recommend them, but here I will give just a few techniques that I found particularly helpful.

Find your child’s strength or ‘island of competence.’
Each child brings into the world with them their own special strengths and weaknesses. We are just focusing on the strengths now. Maybe it is his perceptiveness of little details, which you felt originally was useless and only good for irrelevant information. We have both seen obnoxious brats transformed into caring and helpful youngsters when they were asked to help out with younger children. One hyperactive boy I once saw was reported by his parents as being Mr. Destructo, and would take everything apart. In my playroom, he started to take some toys apart and I told him that anything he took apart, he had to reassemble. He proceeded to take a lego model apart that a previous patient had laboriously put together. Quietly I watched in disbelief how after * hour this young boy put the model back together almost perfectly. I was tempted to bring him my broken toaster and let him see if he could fix that.

Another boy was constantly doodling and drawing, much to his teachers dislike. His teacher felt that he was not using his time wisely and avoiding his work by doodling. This boy, on the other hand, fancied himself an artist and was insulted at his teacher’s lack of appreciation of his work. I negotiated with his teacher that he had to have a piece of art or doodle with every worksheet he turned in. His teacher agreed with this plan and began insisting that he make a drawing in the margin to accompany all of his work papers. Soon, all of his work was completed and his teacher actually did begin to see that artistic talent that this boy had.

What are your child’s strengths? What does he show an interest in? Don’t overlook it because you don’t think it will amount to anything. My daughter is an excellent artist, but when she started drawing or scribbling actually, I paid little attention to it. After all, most kids like to draw and being an artist was not a realistic profession to me since I associate the word ‘starving’ with it. It was my wife who consistently acknowledged and made a big deal out of my daughter’s drawings. Her art instructor feels she is one of the most advanced and talented students. This does not mean that she will become an artist; only that she derives some of her self-esteem and pleasure from her art. The point is I would have missed this very creative and fulfilling side of my daughter if my wife had not been so observant. I let my feelings and false perceptions about a career influence what I noticed and what I did not notice about my young daughter. My daughter is not declaring a profession at age 5, she is merely enjoying herself and demonstrating one of her islands of competence.

Next month’s newsletter will have another technique. Stay tuned.

Further references

While many books have been written on the subject of self-esteem and relationship building, there are two books that I found especially useful and clear. The first is Raising Resilient Children by Sam Goldstein and Robert Brooks, www.DrRobertBrooks.com. The second one is Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness by Edward Hallowell, M.D., www.DrHallowell.com.

Other news

The website is finally complete and you are able to buy the CD’s on there or link to Amazon for the book. Again, if you know of someone who can benefit from this free newsletter or might be interested, please forward it to them. I appreciate all the emails and feel free to email with further comments or questions to Ray@DrRayLevy.com.