Harnessing the strong-willed and explosive child/adolescent

Welcome to the November edition of Dr. Levy’s newsletter. We are still looking for new subscriber, so if you know of someone who would like to receive this, either forward this newsletter to them or direct them to the website to sign up. www.effectivebehaviorsolutions.com or www.DrRayLevy.com.

As promised, I talked earlier about using your relationship to achieve positive change in your child or student. This edition I will be talking about avoiding demoralization and how to reinforce small changes effectively, another excerpt from my new book (currently in progress).

Avoid demoralization: Reinforce small changes

To say Ryan was a difficult adolescent would have been putting it mildly. While his mother was overly critical, Ryan brought his own problems to the table. If there were a rule to break, he’d make sure he broke it. There were many instances when the truth would have been easier to tell than a lie, but Ryan chose to lie anyway. But Ryan’s poor judgment was further fueled by his emotional state of continually being discouraged and demoralized. When he did try and use good judgment or put effort into his homework, he felt his mother always saw the negative of the situation or how he was not performing up to par. Ryan’s statement to me about his mother’s negativity, “what’s the use?”

Many kids get demoralized like Ryan. Demoralization is, in fact, a larger problem in the classroom than learning disabilities and ADHD combined. Most school and home motivational problems are due to emotional reasons like demoralization than to learning differences and psychiatric diagnosis.

Kids, and especially strong-willed kids, get discouraged easily. There are many ways to prevent them from sliding down this path, but one of them is a technique called, Reinforcing Small Changes.

Now I know that this sounds easy and like a no-brainer, but actually, this is one of the toughest techniques for parents to follow. We do this with academics, and we will often do this in sports, but we don’t carry this principle over to their behavior. For instance, when our child is failing a subject, say math, and they bring home a low ‘C’ instead of an ‘F’, then we praise them and let our little one know that they are improving. In basketball, we don’t expect a child to be able to dribble the ball perfectly the first practice or two, but instead notice how they are improving. However, when they misbehave, we expect our child to improve and behave perfectly the next time.

Movement in the Right Direction

I have seen many aggressive and explosive children in my practices. Often, these children handle any stress or frustration by hitting or throwing things. This is their coping skill, not a good one, but a coping skill just the same. Now it would be nice for them to say instead, “gee, that really isn’t what I had in mind mom, but I guess I’ll have to live with not going to McDonalds tonight for dinner,” but that is not going to happen. While wanting these children to use their words is a good goal, it should not be the immediate expectation. Otherwise, you are setting your child up for demoralization. That is what happens when we, as adults, set the bar too high for them. For example, an explosive child may make a tiny step forward by cussing you out. While this is not the most desirable of behaviors, it is still using his words instead of using his fists. Hence, it is movement in the right direction.

Unless we comment on this movement our children will get frustrated, disheartened and revert back to their old behavior. All it takes is some awareness on our part and a word of acknowledgment, such as, “Bryan, I know that you were frustrated with your little brother earlier today, and I noticed that you just yelled at him and didn’t hit him. I like that you are trying to use your words.”

By saying this does not mean that your child will pride himself on his accomplishment and not make any more movement forward; quite the opposite. He will be more open later to hearing your advice on how to ‘use his words’ when he is angry and frustrated.

Many parents are afraid to comment on slightly better behavior for fear that their child will misinterpret it as meaning they don’t have to make anymore changes. More times, parents aren’t aware of slightly improved behavior. In the incident above, many parents would have just noted the misbehavior of yelling and not that their child was not hitting.

Example:
Dad: “Brett, yesterday in the car, I noticed you cussed at me when I would take you to Target instead of kicking my seat and throwing something.”
Brett: “So?” Stated with an attitude.
Dad: “Just wanted you to know that I see you trying to control your behavior and use your words instead.”
Brett: “Oh.” (the attitude dropped.)
Dad: “while I’m not fond of the words that you used, it is better.”
Brett: “yeah, I guess.”
Dad: “thanks for listening.”

After all, we don’t go from F’s to A’s in one quick wave of the hand. We must first go through D’s, C’s, and B’s to get to the A’s. Notice the small things about your child, that he made an attempt to make his bed, or that your daughter just rolled her eyes at you instead of begin the backtalk. In the later case, while both are disrespectful, the eye roll is showing some restraint on her part.

So how do you keep kids moving in the right direction? Look for small changes in your child’s behavior. This requires you, as a parent, to shift your focus and be more vigilant about subtle changes. At a later time, tell your child what you have observed with them. Do not undo your good work and continue lecturing them about what they could have done better. They already know that from our constant nagging previously.

Other notes:

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