What are these kids thinking?

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What is he/she thinking?

Many parents and teachers feel the answer to strong-willed and explosive behavior is to get inside the children’s heads. In other words, if we know what they are thinking, then we can solve the misbehavior. I wish this were true.

The key is not in understanding their warped perceptions but in modifying their environment so they have to do different problem solving. Nonetheless, understanding their thinking process and how they perceive the world may help some parents/teachers. So here we go.

The reasons behind defiance vary. No single thought pattern or motive is universal, so I’ll explore several different thought processes.

Over the years, I’ve interviewed many of my clients either at the end of therapy or later when they have come back to visit. At that point, I often ask them to be reflective and give me an insider’s view of what was going on in their noggin.

How dare you? Others are here for my enjoyment

Now 17, Keith was once a prime example of a strong-willed child. Bright and charming, Keith knew how to agitate his younger sister, older brother, and especially his mother. When asked about his antics as a youngster, Keith shared with me that first of all, he saw his parents and himself on the same level in the house. “I didn’t feel I was in charge, only that I was an equal.” Therefore, whenever he was punished or disciplined, Keith was incensed. “How dare them!” he would think to himself, indignant that someone of equal status would try to impose a fine on him. In response, Keith told me he had only one option; to pay them back.

Keith has often heard me tell his parents that we can’t make kids do anything; only make them wish that they had. Well, that also went both ways, he believed. His thought process was like this: “I’d make their life miserable so the next time I wanted something they would think twice before they said ‘no.’” In therapy we call this terrorist behavior from the child. It is how Keith and many other defiant kids think.

“It was also a game,” Keith admitted. There were many times and circumstances that he was just plain bored and felt the need for stimulation. “Getting my sister agitated or upsetting my mom was fun,” he continued. To him, family members were pawns on a chessboard to be manipulated for his contentment. Even when punished he said that the punishment, yelling, and overall negativity didn’t bother him nearly as much as it did his mother and sister. He never truly believed his mother and siblings as much as they complained. After all, he thought, it doesn’t bother him so it shouldn’t bother them.

I asked Keith at which point he finally figured out that others were not put on this earth solely for his entertainment. Keith thought back and said it started when he was an adolescent. That was when he began to realize that others had different ideas, thoughts and feelings from him. It was during this change in life when he began developing real empathy and understanding of others.

“Do you think you would have developed empathy if your family hadn’t engaged in therapy?” I asked. OK, so that was a loaded question, but I wanted his input.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Possibly not, but because I was forced to come to therapy I had to change sooner than later.”

So a thinking style that doesn’t accept natural hierarchy and can tolerate tremendous amounts of negativity is one form of defiant thinking.

In future newsletters, I'll talk about a different forms of defiant thinking and how those kids perceive the world.