WHAT IS HE THINKING?

Welcome to a late edition of the newsletter. Once again, if you have received this newsletter in error, then you can unsubscribe at the bottom of the page. If you know someone who would like to receive it, please forward this newsletter to them or direct them to sign up for it on my website; www.DrRayLevy.com.

Due to the overwhelming positive response about the last newsletter, I will continue with another section from my upcoming book about what these kids are thinking and what leads them to engage in defiant and strong-willed behaviors.

No! It has to be my way! Hardening of the categories

Andy is a 13-year-old who other kids love to hate. He is bossy, humorless, perseverates on childish t.v. shows, and thinks everyone is out to get him. At home, once he gets a thought about something it is impossible to shake him off of it. For instance, he is absolutely sure that his younger sister is the root of all of his problems and wakes up with the sole purpose of being the bane of her existence. Being the warm and understanding parents they are, mom and dad have many discussions with him trying to convince Andy that Samantha is not part of a conspiracy. They further reassure him (continually) that they do not favor Sam over him.

Andy gets very rigid and set about many things in his life. He won't eat at many restaurants, insists that he get into the shower before Sam uses the bathroom and must have a certain kind of music in the background when doing homework. If something doesn't work out his way, then a tantrum ensues, complete with lots of yelling and screaming. In therapy, I described Andy as having a 'hardening of the categories,' and his parents just nodded.

Now Andy can be very adamant about what he wants and how he believes a problem should be solved. Over winter break, Andy believed that his grandparents would be coming to visit, not the other way around. Preparing him for travel was a disaster according to his mother. He argued constantly and even called his grandparents explaining that they would just have to come to Dallas, that he, under no circumstances would be traveling to Tulsa.

No reasoning, explaining, or yelling could get Andy off of his obsession to stay home for the holidays. "No!" Andy persisted, "It has to be my way!"

Now Andy's defiance and rigidity is quite different from Keith's (in last month's newsletter). Andy's oppositionality arises from a rigid thinking style. Lacking the ability to be flexible and lacking several other coping skills, Andy is not rebelling because he wants control, but as a way to control his own angst and inner anxiety. When things are predictable and don't vary much then Andy feels calmer and more in control. When feeling out of control internally, he tries to manipulate his environment so it matches what his schema, or view, of how things should be. When there is a match, there is no anxiety.

All of the individual time, attention or even therapy with Andy will not really help him understand this problem. That is the sad part. As parents, we hope that different explanations or better reasoning will elicit some form of enlightenment. It rarely does with these kids.

However, what this type of kid is thinking is, "how do I quell my inner turmoil?" He/she has no interest in agitating people for the fun of it. In fact, their world is not very much fun at all. While they can be delightful, they often lack the sense of humor with their peers and will come off to others as 'stiff.' The defiance that these kids exhibit is more a product of their rigid thinking style and lack of coping skills rather than a true desire to control others and obtain power.

Other news

Once again, your feedback is important. Keep those emails coming. I can't respond to everyones email, but I do read them all.