WHAT IS HE THINKING!

Welcome to another edition of the newsletter. Again, if you have received this newsletter in error or know someone who wants to be on the mailing list, both links are at the bottom of this edition.

I'm working diligently on my next book and am looking for stories from everyone out there about the Practice Academies. I would love to hear examples of how it has worked for you and specifics on what you did. Also, if something didn't work, I'd like to hear about that also.

Once again, due to very positive reactions about the last two newsletters, I've included another section from the chapter What's he thinking?, where I describe what motivates kids/adolescents to misbehave and be defiant.

Joseph: You took what was rightfully mine!

It is our God-given right to be loved by our mother and father. It is also a right to have a good mother and father; unfortunately, not everyone gets that good fortune. Bad things happen to all of us and some of us lose a parent, others have parents who should never have had children to begin with. Children will respond accordingly to not having adequate parenting or love, something they feel is their right.

Joseph was one such boy whose mother was mentally ill and hospitalized for several years of his young life. During that time, Joseph as his brother stayed with their father who was irresponsible, unable or unwilling to keep a job, and definitely didn’t like or want the responsibilities of being a full time parent. Mom finally regained custody of the kids and later remarried.

Step-dad made a critical, yet common, mistake; trying to integrate himself too quickly into the family. Step-dad saw how out of control Joseph was because his mother had not been setting limits on him, so step-dad felt it was his duty to come into the family and establish firm limits. An ongoing power struggle ensued, with physical fighting and both step-dad and Joseph getting hurt.

In therapy, I asked Joseph what life was like before step-dad entered the picture.
“It was great, it was just me, mom, and my little brother.”
“Who was in charge of the house?” I queried.
“Mom and I were.” He responded.

In Joseph’s mind, when it was just he, his younger brother and his mom, then he had a very important position in the family structure; that of his mom’s confidant and helper, or second in command. Step-dad not only disrupted the hierarchy, but also disrupted his relationship with, and love from mom.

“What happened when step-dad moved in?” I asked.
“He tried to take over.” Joseph stated sullenly.
“And what else happened?” I questioned.
“Mom didn’t love me as much.” Joseph started to cry.
“So step-dad made you less important to mom and she started loving you less.” I summarized.
“Yeah,” Joseph muttered as he was crying, “he made everything worse.”
“I bet you were pretty angry with him and probably didn’t act very nice around him.”
At that point, all I got was a nod since Joseph was crying so hard.

What step-dad and mom missed was the reason behind Joseph’s defiance and bad behavior. Joseph clearly was misbehaving and engaging in power struggles as they had originally complained about, but it was not because he was a typical strong-willed child who craved control, but because he was hurt and trying to regain what was rightfully his; his mother’s love.

So sometimes, oppositionality and strong-willed behavior is fueled by emotional reasons.