Insight doesn’t create behavior change. Behavior change creates insight

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I wanna know why...

Cindy’s 13-year-old son was out of control. While fine at school and around his peers, his behavior was awful at home. Mom admitted that she did not discipline him due to her discomfort in setting limits. It caused a great deal of fear and anxiety in her, and in addition, she had a very difficult time tolerating his negativity. As a result, Mike had gotten to be out of control as the years progressed.

Finally, one day Cindy came into therapy and announced that she has had enough of Mike’s outrageous demands and behavior and she was willing to set limits. Instead of figuring out how to set limits, she tried to focus on why she had such difficulty. I steered her away from the “why” since that would just result in “Analysis Paralysis”. Nonetheless, the reasons she was not setting limits on her son was that she was acting selfish. She was thinking of herself and her own anxiety, and not about what her son needed. This bit of insight, though, would not have helped her in her endeavor.

The next session she told me that she had been quite firm with Mike, and accordingly, his behavior had improved. She also had the insight that as a child growing up, she used to be a victim. She said that is what was necessary in order to survive in her household. Her father would become drunk and fly into rages. The only way that Cindy could survive each day and have any sense of peace was to be a victim, placate her father, and take the blame for anything wrong. She carried that identity into her adulthood where, she realized, it didn’t work as well. She turned to me in session and said, “I used to be a victim and that worked when I was a kid but it doesn’t work anymore. I realize I have to change.” I was impressed with her enlightenment.

Many times as adults we continue the same identity and persona that we had as a child or an adolescent. This rigid thinking is also known as ‘Hardening of the Categories.’ We fail to see that life is a series of changes and adjustments and that we must be malleable in response. Getting stuck in one persona or style can often become maladaptive or pathological. Being able to respond differently in different situations and be flexible, is not wishy-washy, but one of the keys to healthy adulthood. Cindy’s insight and new response style to her son helped her not only become a more effective parent, but a happier person overall.