The Age of Aquarius Begets The Age of Entitlement

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Entitlement vs. Privileges

Steven is a 15-year old young man who came into my office due to excessive arguments and battles with his parents. His parents had raised an older son with no problems, so they were confused on how to deal with this difficult adolescent who continually challenged them. Some of the challenges even became physical. In a recent argument, Steven got very angry with his mother for requesting to see his homework. Steven felt this was his business, even though he was failing. His mother, getting more and more frustrated, finally demanded to see his homework. Biting back with an angry tone, Steven responded rudely and instigated a serious argument.

When discussing the situation in my office, Steven rationalized that his mother had been rude to him so he was rude back to her. I looked at him in amazement and asked him to tell me that once again. "She was rude to me," Steven stated, "so I had a right to be rude back to her."

"What gave you the right to talk that way to your mother? Do you think that you are of equal status to her?" I questioned.

Steven pondered and said, "She just can't talk to me that way."

Staring at him I said, "why not Steven? She is your mother and you are not an equal!" Steven became dumfounded and looked at me with amazement on how I could even think such a thought. According to him, he was entitled to as much respect, if not more, than his mother.

This was part of the problem. Steven is like many other children, who think that they are entitled to respect and entitled to many other privileges. They do not realize that respect and privileges are earned, and not just given.

Over the years, I have seen this issue become more of a problem with kids. They will often talk to adults as if they are of equal status, and they do not hesitate to argue. They view this status as a right.

So where did they get this idea? Where did they come up with the idea that they are entitled, that they can determine their own bedtime, curfew, or obtain a driver's license? Where did they come up with the idea that they are entitled to respect? There are many causes but one of the reasons is they get this message from us, the baby boomer parent.

The baby boomer parent has many wonderful attributes and qualities; however, we have lost track of our focus along the way. We want our children to succeed and get into a good college, falsely believing that this course is the sure road to happiness. In an attempt to help our children, we have fallen into an endless competitive trap trying to provide our offspring with everything and every experience we can, hoping that will enhance their childhood and give them an edge on their peers. We do this to such an extreme and at such a feverish pitch that we totally lose track of what childhood is. It's not a dress rehearsal for adulthood, and children are not small adults. Rather, childhood is an entirely different entity unto itself. Childhood should be revered and protected, not placed above adulthood.

Emphasis on Self-Esteem

There are several ways that we get derailed; however, one of them is by our over-emphasis on self-esteem. Frequently, I hear parents say they are worried about their child's self-esteem, or that they want their child to be happy. My response is children are happy when they master developmental milestones and other feats. However, not all children master these at the same rate or at the same intensity. For instance, children learn to tie their shoes or ride bikes at different ages. Children are happiest when they understand and can predict their environment and the hierarchy that lies within our society. In addition, entitling children with too much power and control not only leads them to misbehavior but also commonly makes them anxious. It is not unusual to see a controlling, angry, aggressive child also develop fears, which often fool parents into thinking anxiety is the problem. In reality, too much entitlement - is at the root of both their child's anxiety and misbehavior.

In the competitive treadmill that we fall into, we also spend too much time walking on eggshells around our kids' emotions while expending too much energy catering to their after-school extracurricular activities. The result, unfortunately, is a tremendous sense of entitlement, which manifests itself in misbehaviors and defiance along with inattention, anxiety and burnout later in elementary and middle school.

So where did Steven get the idea that he could talk to his parents that way? From his parents. In therapy, I demoted him in the family hierarchy and let him know that he was an adolescent and not an adult. I repeatedly reminded him that his name was not on the mortgage, that he did not have a vote in the household. Steven had to earn respect.

I also had to remind his parents that they are the ones in charge. While it's a good thing to be concerned about our kids' self-esteem, we can't be afraid to correct their behavior when we need to. Disciplining children appropriately won't hurt their self-esteem, but failing to discipline them could cause serious problems down the road.